One Year Ago

Not too long ago I was reading Tonggu Momma's blog at www.ourlittletongginator.blogspot.com. She is another momma that received her referral the same day that we did and our girls are even from the same orphanage. Anyway, because she had been so diligent to blog throughout her journey she was able to reflect back on what she was doing the day her daughter was born. I thought to myself, how cool is that, to know what you were doing on the day your daughter was born. I knew that for a period of time I stepped away from blogging for several reasons but mainly because the wait was just so dang hard. However, I left the Tonggu Momma's website and hopped on over to my own to see if for some reason I just possibly may have made an entry that day. April 27, 2010, the day Emma was born. No such entry. I was disappointed in myself, beating myself up for not being more faithful to journal.

A week or so later my friend Katie had texted me one morning and told me that she had been up in the night and had been praying for Emma and for her birth mom and then she said that she had something she wanted to talk with me about whenever I got around to calling her. So, I soon called her and she began asking about the pre-term labor that I had with Ethan. She couldn't remember when that started but knew it was about a month before Ethan was actually born. I had been in triage three times before Ethan arrived and so we where both trying to talk through the time line. Katie thought that it would be interesting to see how that lined up to the timing of Emma's birth.

While still on the phone, I jumped on the computer and pulled up my Google calendar and hit the arrow back button to the month of April, 2010. I soon had chill bumps as I realized that on Sunday, April 25, 2010 is when I started having some bleeding and called the on-call doctor. He suggested not to worry but to just take it easy. Come Monday, the 26th, I wanted to be checked out and so I called and talked to my OB/GYN and she suggested that I go on in to triage and she would meet me there. The next thing I knew she was talking about possibly having to take Ethan by c-section. I was 50% effaced and 2cm dilated. I ended up spending Monday night in triage for observation and when the doctor checked me the next morning there had been no change. She then cleared me to go home Tuesday, April 27, and stay on bed rest.

No wonder I had no journal entry the day Emma was born. Just as Emma's birth mother was in labor, I too was trying to go into labor for Ethan. When you consider the 13 hour time difference, I was having contractions at the same time Emma's birth mother was having contractions to bring her into this world.

After coming to the realization of what had happened on April 27, 2010, I had to try and wrap my mind around this. I was almost speechless. As a matter of fact, I haven't spoken to anyone about this except Matt and my mom before this moment. But today, I feel like it's time. You see, I don't believe in luck or chances but I believe in a powerful God who is sovereign. Everything is under His control. Somehow I feel like God united two momma's together, from the opposite sides of the world, who have a heart for the same little baby girl.

I can't help but think about that momma tonight. What she must have been thinking and feeling one year ago. I'm sad that we will never know. As a momma myself I can only assume how she must have felt to let go of her little girl, hoping for a better life for her. I sure wish I could let her know that the little girl she gave birth to is loved so deeply and will be taken good care of. I wish I could say "thank you!" My heart goes out to that birth mother, who no doubt will be thinking of Emma once again this year.

It is now 10:00 pm as I sit here on my bed blogging tonight. In China, it is 11:00 am, April, 27... Emma's first birthday. My heart is so broken that I'm missing my baby girl's first birthday. I prayed that we would be together but for what ever reason, this is the way God has laid out this journey for us. This is His perfect timing. I don't understand. Why does Emma have to be alone on her first birthday. Will anyone in the orphanage even realize she's turning one. Will anyone hold her today and tell her that she is special. Will someone tell her that her daddy and momma are coming to get her real soon and that there will be no more birthdays alone.

When I think about the pain and heartache that Emma has already suffered I just wish I could erase it all. But I can't, this is all a part of her life story. I'll close with a quote that brings me peace:
You cannot amputate your history from your destiny...My past is something Jesus takes hold of and makes into a destiny. That's called redemption. ~ Beth Moore