I’ve previously mentioned how I was beginning to see cracks in the protective fortress I’ve built around my heart by allowing myself to start feeling excited at the prospect of getting our referral soon. What I failed to mention was the pain that I’ve also exposed. It’s the pain of a mother’s heart that longs to rock her baby to sleep, to smother her with kisses each morning and to comfort her lonely heart. There is a pain so deep and so strong that has been caused by a hole in my heart, a hole that God himself has made in my heart, and it’s a hole that only Emma Katriel can fill.
We have recently been told by our adoption agency that our educational hours have now increased from 12 hours (already completely years ago) to 30 hours. That’s 18 more hours between now and the time we travel. Oh, my! This is a new policy and Bethany is graciously working with families, like us, that are close to receiving referrals and have asked that we simply make an honest effort to try and complete this requirement. We are currently reading an excellent book entitled “The Connected Child”.
Now as several of you know, Matt isn’t much into reading, unless it’s the Salt Water fishing magazine, so I usually just read out-loud to him. We also have to take every opportunity we can to read in order to try and finish this requirement, opportunities such as reading in the car as we go to church, our small group, or whatever outing we may be on.
Last Sunday, as we were driving to church, I began reading the chapter “Where Your Child Begins” and in this chapter it discussed the growing baby’s first home and the unseen risk associated with isolation and institutionalization and the importance of attachment. The authors discussed the importance of being held and how often children in institutions simply can’t be held as much as they may need, or want, to be held. They went on to point out that these babies no longer cry out with their request to be held because the need has gone unmet so often that they simply give up asking.
My heart simply broke and the tears came cascading down at the thought of my baby girl lying in a crib, crying out, and nobody to hold her. I prayed right then “Please God, please send someone to love on my baby until I can go and get her”.
I so long for the day that I can wrap my arms around Emma, kiss her little tear stained face and tell her that her Mommy will never leave her and will always love her, just as she is, unconditionally. I also know that in that very moment every tear that I have shed, every ache in my heart will be worth it all.
