Daddy's Gift

My husband, Matt, has just been dying to buy Emma something to wear. He has been pestering me for the last several years to buy her some kind of outfit, however, with me being the realist in this relationship, I quickly pointed out that we have no idea what size, nor the season, we would be bringing Emma home. So, I would always convince him to hold off.

About a month ago I came across an adoption blog and the latest post had a picture of this beautiful little girl but I was drawn to the onesie that she was wearing. I quickly sent Matt the picture off the blog and told him that I would love to have one for Emma. Well, a couple of weeks ago I got a surprise package in the mail.
Matt had done his research and to my surprise…




Here’s Emma’s first official article of clothing, bought by her Daddy.

Worth the Wait

I’ve previously mentioned how I was beginning to see cracks in the protective fortress I’ve built around my heart by allowing myself to start feeling excited at the prospect of getting our referral soon. What I failed to mention was the pain that I’ve also exposed. It’s the pain of a mother’s heart that longs to rock her baby to sleep, to smother her with kisses each morning and to comfort her lonely heart. There is a pain so deep and so strong that has been caused by a hole in my heart, a hole that God himself has made in my heart, and it’s a hole that only Emma Katriel can fill.

We have recently been told by our adoption agency that our educational hours have now increased from 12 hours (already completely years ago) to 30 hours. That’s 18 more hours between now and the time we travel. Oh, my! This is a new policy and Bethany is graciously working with families, like us, that are close to receiving referrals and have asked that we simply make an honest effort to try and complete this requirement. We are currently reading an excellent book entitled “The Connected Child”.

Now as several of you know, Matt isn’t much into reading, unless it’s the Salt Water fishing magazine, so I usually just read out-loud to him. We also have to take every opportunity we can to read in order to try and finish this requirement, opportunities such as reading in the car as we go to church, our small group, or whatever outing we may be on.

Last Sunday, as we were driving to church, I began reading the chapter “Where Your Child Begins” and in this chapter it discussed the growing baby’s first home and the unseen risk associated with isolation and institutionalization and the importance of attachment. The authors discussed the importance of being held and how often children in institutions simply can’t be held as much as they may need, or want, to be held. They went on to point out that these babies no longer cry out with their request to be held because the need has gone unmet so often that they simply give up asking.

My heart simply broke and the tears came cascading down at the thought of my baby girl lying in a crib, crying out, and nobody to hold her. I prayed right then “Please God, please send someone to love on my baby until I can go and get her”.

I so long for the day that I can wrap my arms around Emma, kiss her little tear stained face and tell her that her Mommy will never leave her and will always love her, just as she is, unconditionally. I also know that in that very moment every tear that I have shed, every ache in my heart will be worth it all.

Let the Walls Come Down

As you can tell, it has been a long time since I've blogged and it feels kind of funny. I almost forgot how this thing works. So hang in there as I get into the groove once again.

So much has happened since I last posted. My husband was "temporarily" laid off from his new job. Praise God, he did start back this week after two years. During this lay off period he had to take a job in Tennessee in order to provide. What a hard time on all of us but with God's help we did survive the long distance thing. Let me tell you, I have so much more compassion for single mothers now.

Even during this hard dark time, God chose to bring us some sunshine. An eight pound bundle of sunshine came into our lives on May 25 by the name of Ethan Blaine. After Matt was laid off we really wrestled with how long the adoption wait was and we knew we wanted to have one more biological child and then there was the fact that I was 40, not a lot of time left, if you know what I mean. We felt we were living in bondage because everything in our lives seemed to be on hold because we didn't want to do anything that would affect the adoption or that would cause us to have to do any more paperwork, which also cost more money. We finally came to the realization that God did not call us to live a life of bondage, but rather an abundant life. We then decided that just as soon as he found a job and the insurance kicked in, we would start trying for another baby. God is so good, let me tell you.

We never really could understand why God opened the door for Matt to find a job in Chattanooga. I mean we needed him here with us. We are family and aren't families supposed to be together? Once again I'm reminded that God is all-knowing and I am not. Five weeks after our baby was born I was hit hard with postpartum depression. I was standing in the middle of Wal-Mart of all places. I called Matt sobbing and told him that he needed to come and get me. I'm sure it was an interesting sight for all the on-lookers at Wal-Mart that day. Anyway, Matt immediately hopped in his car and drove the 5 hours from Chattanooga to get me and take me back to where he was staying with his family. This was probably the darkest point in my life and I can't possibly explain it and one cannot understand it unless you have walk this dark valley yourself. The worst part to me was that I felt like who I was as a person was gone forever and that I had some stranger living in my body. Everyone would tell me to hang in there and that things would get better. I don't know that I believed it because every day I would ask Matt "Am I ever going to get any better?" Well, sure enough after getting the right medication and allowing weeks for it to kick in things did indeed start getting better. It then all became very clear to me why God had opened the door for Matt to be in Chattanooga, we needed to be in Chattanooga at that point in our lives for Matt's mom and sisters to be able to take over the care of our two boys. I couldn't even take care of myself, let alone to take care of the boys. I will always be grateful to Matt's family for loving and caring for my boys when I could not.

In September the boys and I headed back home to start settling into a routine and things have gone great. Now we get to get use to a "new normal" with Daddy being back home, but I don't mind. The boys are excited to have Daddy home too, especially Eli. For two years Eli and I would pray that Daddy would get the call to go back to work and so it was a special time for me to be able to tell Eli that God did hear and answer his prayer. Way cool!

As far as the adoption goes, we were put "on hold" because of the birth of our baby. You can be on hold for no longer than 6 months and come February 6 our time will expire. So, we had to write a letter to the CCAA (Chinese Center of Adoption Affairs) and request to be reinstated. Basically that means that we are still interested and want to proceed with the adoption process. Our home study also expired in December and so we had to go through all the paperwork to get that caught back up. Praise God, we received word today that this past Friday, January 21, our paperwork had been sent to China. We are told that it could take a week to get there and then it will have to be translated, which could take another week. The bad thing is that the Chinese New Year is February 3 and everything shuts down for a couple of weeks. I'm sure we will be affected by this holiday somehow. Now, the CCAA does have the right to say they will not take us off hold in order to continue in the program. However, Bethany, our agency, has said they have never seen that happen. What most likely will happen is that the CCAA will review our paperwork to verify that we still meet their criteria and that we are in good standing with Bethany, then they will place us in the next batch of referrals.

I feel like we are sooo close to getting a referral, closer than we have ever been for sure. I'm actually getting a little excited but yet I find I'm still guarding my heart. I've recently come to understand that I have build up walls around my heart to try and protect myself from all the hurt that this journey brings. Now I'm not talking thin walls made of particle board but thick ones made out of the biggest, heaviest boulders around. However, I do believe there is a big crack in my wall, it's starting to become a little unstable. I find myself dreaming about the first time I lay my eyes on the photo of my precious baby girl, or the first time that she is placed in my arms and when I think about these moments tears start to form in my eyes, another crack. Is it possible that we are indeed this close? That this part of the journey is almost over? I am so tired and weary, please God help me to place one foot in front of the other as we draw closer to Emma. God, bring her home and let the wall come crashing down.

Homemakers Moment

Ok, so many of you have "Thankful Thursday" but I'm going to dare to be different and have a "Thankful Friday". No better way to face life's challenges than to ponder on the things we are most grateful for. With a house full of sick ones all week it's been a challenging week needless to say, so what better way to shift my attention upwards than to list a few things that I'm thankful for. Here goes:

1. I'm so grateful for my Father who has adopted me. He chose me before the foundations of the world were laid. He also loves me not just for who I am but also in spite of who I am. What perfect love! Praise God for ADOPTION!!!

2. These days I have to say we don't take much for granted. I am so thankful that I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach and clothes on my back. I've always thought that I was thankful for these simple things but let me tell you... I AM SO THANKFUL FOR THESE THINGS!!!

3. I am truly humbled by the generous friends that God has brought into our lives. I have learned so much these last couple of months simply watching them respond to our situation.

We may not have the biggest bank account in town but we are most certainly among the richest. Thank you Jesus.

It's Tough Being A Woman

It's tough being a woman! Talk about an understatement. There is the role of wife, mother, daughter, friend, encourager, comforter, teacher, chef, CFO, COO and the list goes on. You ladies know what I'm talking about. How do we balance all these hats and to do it with class and dignity. You know, have it all together.

With this great juggling act that I'm trying to maintain Satan loves to toss in this big, hard to juggle, object that has me struggling not to drop each an every ball that I'm trying so delicately to manage. This big, ugly object is fear. Fear of an uncertain future, fear that our Emma will never come home from China, fear that we won't be able to have another biological child, fear that we aren't teaching our son the most important things about God and life. Fear about being older parents and not being around for our children or grandchildren and the list goes on.

Fear is one of Satan's most powerful weapons in his arsenal. It is crippling. It's paralyzing. I'm here today to be as transparent as I can and say this is the fight I'm currently in. Thank God that He has me in the Beth Moore study of the wonderful book of Esther. Esther is such a wonderful role model for woman. And you talk about fear, can you imagine the fear that surely crept into Esther as she became aware of the royal edict that had been issued to destroy, kill and annihilate all the Jews. What about the weight of the responsibility to step up and take action and try to save her people. The fear of going before the king uninvited, knowing that unless he extends his golden scepter she would be put to death.

As part of Beth's study she has given several scenarios and one is "It's tough being a woman in the tight fist of fear." Can you say "Amen". However, Isaiah 49:16a says, "Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands." What love and I praise God for His perfect love. The God of the universe loves me so much that He has called me to these roles that I juggle. I was never meant to juggle these roles on my own but I can only keep all the balls in the air if I allow the juggle Master to work in and through me. I'm so thankful that He who began a good work in me will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Let me close with a quote from Beth, "Every time you're in a tight fist of fear, remember you're in something much tighter."

Homemakers Moment

My cousin’s wife has an interesting blog called Homemaker’s Chronicles which is simply dedicated to homemakers. It’s a very fun, interesting blog and on Fridays she has dedicated the entry as “Homemaker Moments”. She has also invited women everywhere to include their own “homemaker moment” on their own blog and so after many weeks here is my first attempt. I have to note this was actually written a few weeks ago but we had some major computer issues that put me out of commission. Anyway, here goes...

Often times I find myself pondering the infamous question “Am I doing a good job at being a mom?” After all it is one of the two most important roles that I have waited all my life for, it’s what I spend much of my efforts on but still I wonder “is it enough?” It’s hard not to question whether or not I’m making a positive impact on the life of my child.

My role as mom has many sub-roles, such as cook, nurse, playmate, teacher, and the list goes on. Let me focus on the role of teacher for just one moment. My husband and I have chosen to home school our son for his pre-school years. Our goal is to have him adequately prepared for his kindergarten year. I have taken on this role. I have made the commitment even though I don’t always enjoy having to take the time required to go over the lesson for the next day or getting all the necessary games and activities together. However, I continue to gladly take on this role because it is what’s best for our son. We want our son to know how to read and write and to do numbers but more importantly than his scholastic education is his knowledge of God and the Bible.

My heart is filled with joy as I listen to my little four-year-old quote scripture each day and to hear him retell me the Bible stories that we have studied. We have even spent time teaching basic doctrine such as our one God is made of three persons, known as God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit. Not that there is three gods but one God in three persons. Now, how many four-year-olds can have a discussion on the trinity with you? We have also taught that the Bible is absolute truth, every word and that God’s word never changes. I could go on but the point is, when I wonder “Am I making an impact?” I can remember these moments we have each day in school and answer "yes".

Let me close with a final bedtime moment from a week ago. As a family we have found ourselves in the middle of a very difficult trial. At the onset of this trial we had to honestly examine our belief in God and His word. Is God real? Do we believe God’s word to be truth? Has what we’ve been teaching our son true and if so are we going to now live it? The answer is obviously YES, WE BELIEVE! However, that doesn’t mean that we haven’t struggled along this very rocky road. As a matter of fact, it was one of those days last week. Well, each night when we put Eli to bed we all three have a time of prayer. We have done this for as long as I can remember and we don’t pray at a child’s level, we just pray as we normally would. I don’t remember what I prayed exactly that night but it was something to the fact that I was struggling with our current trial and that I was having a tendency to become fearful, so I prayed that God will help me. After I had finished my prayer it was then Eli’s turn and this was his prayer: Dear God, please help my mom to remember that verse “Fear not, for I am with thee.” Let me tell you, I had tears rolling down my checks because there we were in a monumental moment and in that moment I could most certainly say “Yes, we are doing something right!”

Which Way is Up?

Each year I purposefully avoid making New Year's resolutions. I mean, why set yourself up for failure anyway. I kind of laughed this morning as it dawned on me that "Hey, I think God has, in a round about way, set a New Year's resolution for me". What is the resolution all about you ask. What is it that our almighty, all knowing God thinks that I need to work on? Flexibility!!! Wow, that's a big one God. I'm really going to need your help on this one.

Let me explain in further detail. For those of you who don't know me so well, I'm your typical "A" personality. I thrive on schedules, list and order, not to mention neatness. All of a sudden my 2009 has started with one of the biggest changes, my hubby's new job with the railroad. After the five grueling weeks of school without him around, now he's actually working and I find that I don't know which end is up any more. I find myself thinking first thing in the morning, "Am I in bed alone or is my favorite guy next to me?" "Is he coming home this morning, tonight or tomorrow morning?" As far as that goes, "What day is it and when did he leave?"

Now that's confusing enough but then let's move on to railroad time. Hold on tight, here we go. Not only does the railroad use military time but they also use Eastern time, and let me point out that we live in the Central time zone. Thank goodness God had the foreknowledge to know that my job as personnel manager and having to do time cards, using military time, would come in handy 10 years down the road. Okay, moving right along, employees must have so many hours of rest before they can be called up to catch the next train, and how many hour off is dependent on how many hours they just worked. Is your head spinning yet? I find myself trying to figure out "okay, what time did he get home and when could he possibly get called up?; should I try to fit in the home schooling before he goes to work or after he leaves? What about a shower." Once hubby receives the "call" he has two hours to report to work. I think it was his second time out I found myself asking the silly question "So, what time do you have to be there?"' his response is "14:30". Okay 14:30, let me see, that would be 2:30 right? No, 1:30. What??? 14 minus 12 is 2 the last time I checked, isn't it? Oh, I forgot about the silly Eastern time zone thing. This conversation sounded much like that old familiar "Who's On First". I've decided to make things a little easier on myself by simply asking "when did you get the call?" then I know that he has two hours before he goes off on another ride.

In the middle of all this change in work schedules I'm trying to figure out how my sweet hubby can get the adequate sleep he needs, plus time to spend quality time playing with our four-year-old, and not to mention have a few precious moments with me. I'd like to see if any of you mathematical geniuses out there can come up with the right equation for me to accomplish this task. We haven't even began to calculate how do I plan and fix our meals, fit in the home schooling and the countless other task that need to get checked off the list today. One thing is for sure, I'm having to learn to let go of my tightly clutched fist on my schedules and to be flexible. There, I said it... flexible. Not something I feel to comfortable with in all honesty.

I think this is something that God is going to use to stretch me, to grow me, to be more like Him. This has really caused me to think about what is the most important things in my life and then to be flexible with everything else. I can't believe I'm even saying these words. All of you "A" type people out there can feel the uncomfortable place God has me right now, can't ya?

God also brought to my attention the verse in Philippians 4:11, Not that I speak from want; for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. Not only must I learn to let go and be flexible but I must also be content. Lord, I'm really going to need your help here. Please teach me.